Of Nymphs and Hippocamps
What a blessing to find you just when I had convinced myself that you didn't exist, without the need for embellishments or entanglements, I had simply convinced myself that you weren't there. I idealized nymphs, unicorns, harpies, and hippocamps and convinced myself that love was for the bravest. I believed I had to carry such immense sadness that I had no choice but to take refuge in the magic of the things I had invented. I had to idealise the happiest moments of my life because I had convinced myself that I would never feel love like the one I had felt again, and in my madness, I returned to that day when we watched Fellini movies until night turned into day...
It took me a thousand misfortunes to understand that the most beautiful things I had experienced had become a prison where I had to learn to pretend I was happy. I avoided being a victim or a culprit, blaming destiny for being the cause of my own flaws, so I wouldn't have to face the reality that all I lacked was the will to say, "I want you to stay."
Indeed, I wanted you to stay, but now that the days have turned into years and I have the courage to flip through that calendar once again, I realise that all I longed for was to move to a new apartment and close the old books that I would never finish reading. I wanted to have such insane pride that I would never judge myself for telling one more lie, not betting my soul, for not investing the will I lacked that summer. It was not in vain because today I have found you, just when I had convinced myself that you didn't exist. I am so wounded that I seek you with fear, and we are so alike that our fears hold conversations we no longer dare to have.
However, I yearn to touch the colours of your soul; I have the impulse to make you laugh heartily and provoke your anger over trifles, only to admire the grimaces you make when you smile again. I want to suppress my laughter when I make a heavy joke to make you believe I'm serious when I'm not. Because someday, those moments will return, and they will become our most beautiful memories, I wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to savour them as they happen. I still don't know if you exist, but if there is a possibility that your first smile becomes one of the most sublime memories of my life, I wouldn't want to miss that radiance."